Today, I Planned On Committing Suicide
Tuesday, September 6, 2011 | 10:53 PM | 0 letters
Today I arrived home late because we had a class at Sociology. We had a fun activity but I felt guilty for all the things I've said and done. I don't mean to hurt anyone. I'm sorry for being impulsive.
I'm supposed to change my slippers so I asked Ate where is it. She said, "hanapin mo, andiyan lang yun." I replied that the house is too big and if she'll not specify where it is, I would finish looking for it by tomorrow. I found it at the shoe rack and it's kinda dusty then I heard a lot of things from my mother. She said use the other one, it's dirty, bla bla bla. I returned it to the place where I found it, I went inside the house and she said - "ang arte mo." It kinda sucks. Like my opinions don't matter anymore. Yesterday, I was kinda lecturing Ate for not fixing her netbook out of the computer table. I mean, it has been a habit that she's expecting me to fix it for her. I was kinda busy that time so my words really spilled. Then mother said that "kaya namang tanggalin bat ang dami pang salita?" I'm kinda puzzled. It's because when my things aren't in their right places, she calls my attention immediately but for Ate, it's always understood. Not because I don't have a say about this often, it's considered okay. No it's not. There are things that do not seem tolerable anymore. On the cleaning chores as well, mother usually lectures me about how the room's so dusty / dirty then when will I clean? bla bla bla but when I opened once about when did Ate last cleaned the salas, she just replied "baka madami kasi siyang ginagawa." Then what am I here? I'm doing a lot of things. My organizer's about to double its width because of my hectic schedule and yet I was able to address to their needs. And what will I get? Everytime I try to voice out my opinion, I'm always labeled as "maarte." It hurts my feelings that I don't seem to matter anymore. One time, my mother said "ganon talaga. sa mga anak mo, meron talagang ayaw mo kahit anong gawin mo." Maybe I'm the kid she's referring to. I am very much aware that between the two of us, I'm the disappointment. I'm the one who did nasty things before and humiliated them. And I know there are times that they do not believe in me anymore. I know that they are ready to give up on me anytime.
I lost my appetite and just ate with a heavy heart. I was washing the dishes when I saw the knife. It isn't a brief moment when I stare at the knife. I pulled it out, stared at it, touched it. Inside my head, there's a voice saying that when I cut or stab myself, it all ends. It should be now because I still do not have a lot of achievements that can hold me back. It'll be just minutes of pain then I can not feel the stress, the pain, the agony. They will soon recover if ever I die. My lies will be buried with me. I just have to face the after life alone. It'll be just minutes then probably no more pain. I put the knife back to its place yet my eyes still look at the its way. I closed my eyes and washed my face. I'm crying yet I did not feel my tears, the water carried it somewhere. Now I do not know if I did the right thing.
This isn't a case of Lypophrenia anymore. There's a reason all along, it's just that it's easier to deny things rather than admitting there's something wrong about myself.
I'm a very bad person. I assumed that everyone loves me but I do not know who do and who did anymore. Please forgive me. I'm really sorry.
